I gave myself a promotion

I had registered a new business the day I unregistered from Big Village back in February, but it was just this weekend that I pressed PUBLISH on the site and made it known that I’d be jumping back in the game of looking for customers.  I’m an entrepreneur once more.  How appropriate since its Small Business Week in Canada!  I’m inclined to thank Canada, or more specifically BDC, for the grand welcome.

My new business is called Your Biggest Fan. I offer social media services to small businesses and artists. Continue reading

Day 40 – God speaks

It’s early in the morning.  I got up specifically to write this post out of a mix of obligation and inspiration (oblispiration?).  Those are the times when you wake up and say to yourself, You should probably write this down.

Of course I had to check Twitter first and was encouraged to get off Twitter and back to the blog by Anne Lamott‘s 140-character plea to, Seize and steal time to write, however & wherever you can–it’s a debt of honor.

There is something about this compulsion to write.  It’s so strange how God places this fervor in you to observe the world around you  and then find words for what you see.  It’s a bit of a madness. For instance, while J-M and the girls were planning what is to be a fun-filled long weekend, complete with beach days, BBQs and baseball, I was thinking to myself, I sure hope I get time to write.  Where oh where was this drive in high school English?

And to those who checked in yesterday, I’m sorry I didn’t post on Day 40.  My excuse is that Day 40 had to happen first before I “reported back.”  But the truth is, my family hijacked my plans and took me out to have fun instead.  I’m not complaining, just redirecting the blame.

So allow to me recap. I’ve been praying for direction consistently for 40 days.  During those 40 days, I have not eaten after 2 p.m., except for Fridays and three cheats celebration dinners. An undefined, but persistent desire to go deeper in ministry is what drove me to this fast, hoping to hear exactly what the “deeper in ministry” part was to look like.

I am happy to say that God was faithful and answered my prayers.

I didn’t write that sentence easily. I want to be sure I’m not conjuring up a “happy ending” to this fast, something to please me and you that this was worth the effort.  Of course it was, in a kajillion ways, but  I would not say God sent lightning bolts from the sky or a great heavenly finger to write on my kitchen wall.  In any case, I don’t believe he speaks that way.  If he had sent the finger, I might, in my sinfulness, ask him why then he hasn’t spoken up more about my Dad’s MS or a friend’s heartache or poverty and all the injustice in the world?

I believe God does speak clearly, consistently and powerfully.  He speaks through scripture, his word, which is a plumb line for discerning his will in this life and the next.

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature…. (1 Peter 1:3-4)

I encourage you to read the rest of that, about how we can increase our participation in that divine nature. Amazing, spine-tingling stuff.

A word should also be said here about handling scripture with reverence, in the company of believers, guided by the Holy Spirit.  But in short, we have access to God’s answers for all our questions.

God also speaks through others and this has been my experience throughout this fast.  I have been given tons of advice and encouragement – some conflicting!  Again, I returned to scripture to measure the words I received.  If they line up with what scripture says,  I accept – and wholeheartedly.  And God bless you for saying so!

Throughout the fast, God spoke clearly, like portions of food, replacing what I wasn’t physically eating. I received his word in bits and pieces.  Every bite from him was full of spiritual nourishment established by the peace he gave me when I digested it.

For my questions, I received the answers either no/not yet or keep going.

Let me start with the no/not yet.

God has made it very clear to me that “deeper into ministry” does not mean bigger.  I’d had some suggestions from people, that perhaps my role was being broadened from just working within my congregation to ministering on a larger scale with an outreach to others beyond our church.   I don’t doubt that God can move in mysterious ways and use the things one does on a small scale to reach out to others in areas or ways you could never anticipate.  But to change my focus at this time is out of the question.

First of all, I am very green – I have spent just one year leading the women of our church – this ministry alone extends my abilities to the max.  Beyond this, is the focus of our ministry.  Over the past year we’ve been purposeful about getting away from the common trappings of women’s ministry (fundraisers and friendly gossip, to name a couple).  We’ve been diligent to make sure that our focus is to grow closer to Jesus and to each other.  For the upcoming year, I believe we are to add to that by reaching out to others in our community.  That means finding the lonely, the needy, the desperate who hide behind closed doors, in our own neighbourhood.  I think it’s all this growing closer to Jesus business.  We’ve found out that’s where he’s always heading and we want to go with him.  This call is clear and so my personal pursuits cannot be any different.  I’m staying local.

As for the keep going message:

I have received an overwhelming response to this blog in the past 40 days.  No one would say that I write well – and neither would I –  but what joy to hear from others that they have been moved, challenged, affected, or convicted by something I’ve written!  I am not deceived – I may have a specific demographic who doesn’t mind the frivolous chit-chat mixed in with an exhortation, and a couple of typos for good measure.  But the few who respond to it, who see Jesus in it? Well that means this madness isn’t for nothing.  It’s for something.

To be clear, I do not wish to “be published” other than to click that button on the blog, but just to be faithful to write it all down.

I have the additional blessing of being paid to write.  My position as Social Media Journalist (decoded: blogger) for the Free Methodist Church in Canada, although part-time, is a huge privilege.  I want to fill the parameters I’ve been given to full capacity, “Telling our Stories” about God’s faithfulness within our churches.

Another part of the keep going message is my being available.  I love that I have been able to offer my time for what would otherwise be considered interruptions.  What a gift to know that when someone wants to go for coffee to chat, I can say yes, how about today!  Or if someone wants to meet to pray, yes, how about right now!  I have able to volunteer at a friend’s store for a few days over the past two weeks because she really needed the help.  I have been able to do stand up for another friend’s impromptu wedding.  If God can use me during this time of unemployment, I will not say no to that.

I will write more about this 40-day experience. For one, what about this problem of bringing home a regular wage?  Just a quick preview on this – Mom’s wise words that if God calls you to something, he will certainly provide the means to fulfill your calling.  We’ve known that well in our lives before, and I claim it now.  You can be praying for J-M to be receptive to this also.  His suggestion?  To add a “Donate Now” button to this blog.  Also to my t-shirt.

There has been so much jam-packed into the last 40 days.  I’ve been looking through my journal, comments and e-mails from others received since May 22 when this all started.  The picture is clear.  God speaks through all of it.

Fasting and praying – second last day

I watched my family eat the perfect summer meal tonight: hot dogs, chips, and fresh veggies.  The smoky smell made my tummy rumble and I had a small temptation when Sophia enthusiastically enjoyed her first taste experience with snow peas from the Farmer’s Market… and Mallory didn’t want hers.  I normally would have snagged Mal’s up.  Yes! Mine! Called it!

Not this time.  No, I won’t play food sports tonight.  I’m a really good food athlete too, so that smarts.

Today’s the second last day of my fast. But really it’s my last day, since tomorrow’s Friday and I get to eat on Fridays, remember?  (Hey, they’re my rules to make!)  Strangely enough, as I wished to be eating with my family, I also thought, I’m going to miss this.

I’m going to miss this purposeful pursuit! I feel very blessed over these past few weeks because God has been so kind to give me insights into how he is working his will in my life.  He has given me peace that he is in control even if I can’t see this visibly yet.  Every time I open my Bible, he has entrusted me with new understanding about how His kingdom operates here on earth.  All powerful answers to my prayers on this 40-day fast.

More than anything else I have wanted wisdom from God. He promises it to those who ask!  In fact, this is a prayer I’ve been praying since I was a young girl and first read about King Solomon.

…the Lord appeared to Solomon during the night in a dream, and God said, “Ask for whatever you want me to give you.”

I’ve played this game before!  I wish for a million more wishes!

Solomon answered, “You have shown great kindness to your servant, my father David, because he was faithful to you and righteous and upright in heart. You have continued this great kindness to him and have given him a son to sit on his throne this very day. “Now, Lord my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties.Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?”

When I read this, I knew, in my heart of hearts, that Solomon had asked for the right thing.  What would God say?

The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this.So God said to him, “Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for—both wealth and honor —so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. And if you walk in obedience to me and keep my decrees and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life.

How wonderful!  Wisdom plus plus!  But I paused, thinking wisdom was way too easy to get!  What an awesome gift to have and all we have to do is ask?

In the book of James, it says, when facing trials and temptations, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Yes! Mine! Called it!

I’m excited to share the specifics, but I just rested my eyes for a minute and 10 slipped by unnoticed.  I probably should go to bed instead of writing 1,000 more words.  That would be wise.

Till Day 40 then.

Fasting and Praying: Day 31

Day 31 of my fast and I feasted.  J-M brought home some really delicious grapes last night, crunchy and sweet.  I was good and waited till morning and then I ate almost all of them, a whole bag’s worth.  Then I had a giant bowl of Mini Wheats, which he’d also bought last night and I was also thrilled to eat this morning. But I felt stuffed and all through lunch too.  I don’t like this feeling anymore.  It used to be a common occurrence.  The fast has shown me that being over-full is worse than hunger pangs (and lasts longer and has a lot of unnecessary guilt associated with it). I was actually looking forward to that hungry place I reach every night now.  But in the afternoon, J-M reminded me that the pastors families were invited to a BBQ potluck put on by one of the small groups from our church.

“But I can’t eat!” I whined.

“Don’t eat Friday, then” he said.

“But I wasn’t eating Friday anyway because I was reserving Thursday for my Women’s Ministry Team Appreciation Dinner!”

Then he didn’t say anything.

This is why I’m glad the fast will be over in just nine days.

No more navigating social functions.  No more bending the rules, which confuses the issue for me.  I thought I’d just stick to the fast for the remaining eight days, but Mallory has her Grade 8 graduation banquet and John-Mark, his birthday.  I’m thinking that for the rest of this fast I may be doing a lot of eating.  Eating rhymes with cheating.

Let’s talk about this morning instead.  If you have never before met God in the morning, gone outside and had praise and worship service with the birds, if you have never embraced the solitude that feels like time stands still, if you’ve never had an audience with your Heavenly Father with no one and nothing else competing for your attention and Him ready to meet you, if you haven’t felt the sun rays roll over you like a celestial embrace, you are missing out on one of the most inspiring times to commune with our Creator.  C’mon, if you get up tomorrow morning, I will share him with you.  You won’t regret it.

This morning I talked to God about how I love to write and how I love to send out into cyberspace the words that he gives me.  I told him how I love to visit my friends and be available day-by-day to those who need it.  I thanked him for the opportunities he’s given me whether they’re about to end or continue on indefinitely.  I thanked him for my family (I tell them and God all the time I can’t believe they really exist).  I thanked him for you.  Yes, you.  I have so many wonderful, encouraging people in my life and the fact that you show up, that you’re reading this right now, it makes me thankful enough to get teary-eyed.

Then I read 2 Corinthians 3 in The Message.  In this passage, Paul is writing to the church at Corinth saying that the people there are the “letter of endorsement” or success of his ministry, having visibly changed hearts because of Christ’s work in their lives.

Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you.  Christ himself wrote it – not with ink, but with God’s living Spirit; not chiseled in stone, but carved into human lives…

I love that.  Paul has nothing to prove, no need to defend his call, because Christ is doing the work of changing hearts.

And you know what? I want to be a letter–better yet, a book–written by Christ himself.  Whether by my words or my actions, I want to demonstrate the glory of God and the love of Christ in my life.  Every decision, every turn in the road, every idea, every encounter with someone a new page about God’s faithfulness.  The outline would look like this:

Chapter 1 – God is faithful

Chapter 2 – The Lord can be trusted

Chapter 3 – God provides

Chapter 4 – He will see you through

Chapter 5 – The Father knows what you need

Chapter 6 – God is still faithful

Chapter 7 – The Lord is watching over you

Chapter 8 – He cares for you

Chapter 9 – God knows you and loves you

Chapter 10 – Our Father calls to you

Chapter 11 – The Lord will see you through

Chapter 12 – God saw what you ate today, but guess what, he’s still faithful even when you’re not

Prayer and Fasting – Day 30

For want of an hour a blog was lost.

I have five posts floating in my head waiting to be fastened to the blog.  For now they’ll have to keep floating as I have offered to help a desperate friend with a moving sale at her bead store for the next two weeks.  Yesterday was my training day.  I said a lot of, “Bear with me, I’m new,” after saying, “Did you know the store is moving locations?”  I’m hoping the 10-50 percent off sales will persuade people to put up with all the inconvenient news I’m delivering.

This working for a living is hard stuff.  I was on my feet for eight solid hours yesterday.  And guess who’s the idiot who wore heels?  Plus I used up my word quota within the first two hours.  Rookie move, I’d made plans with friends after work.  They graciously kept the conversation going while wondering if I was ticked at them for no apparent reason.  (Sorry Chels!  Sorry Kim!  I can move my lips again and not in the sneer I thought was a smile.)

Today, I get to be on my own for the afternoon.  It’s actually a lot of fun.  I love hearing about this customer’s wedding in October (bridesmaids will be wearing eggplant), and this teacher’s summer plans, and this gal’s creative projects on the go. I forgot how much I love interacting with customers!  But keep in mind, today’s Day Two!  I may change my tune by sundown.

As for my fast, it’s ongoing and habitual.  I’ve found it’s easy now to only eat two meals and to ignore the hunger cravings.  Prayer has become reactionary now in most situations, which I’m thrilled about.  My one struggle is that I seem to run out of time each day, unable to spend long amounts of time in conversation with God.  Whether I’ve been working at the store or for other reasons, my days have become full.  I see that I didn’t make it the priority it needed to be each day – first and foremost – and so over the past week it has been bumped off the calendar when other things have “come up.”  I must now get up a little earlier to rectify that. I notice the difference – a big one – when I miss that concentrated time with God.

And although some parts are getting “easier,” I miss the struggle of the fast that it was in the beginning.  I have all kinds of thoughts about that, about how there is great joy and privilege in wrestling and in struggling when you commit that to him. God blesses you with wisdom and peace in the midst of it.

Right now, though, I have to wrestle on a pair of flats and get my butt out the door.  Day Two, here I come!

Fasting and praying – Day 21 and 24

Remember Day Two?  That was only 22 days ago!  And just a week ago, it was Day 17 and now it’s Day 24!  And I’ve been trying to post this update since Day 21, but WordPress has been a bit wonky… so here we find ourselves three more days into the future which is now the present, which will be in the past shortly.

The pace of time will always, always amaze me.  Especially since I’ve discovered that it speeds up the older you get.  I’m now one of the annoying ones who tells mothers of young ones to ENJOY. EVERY. MINUTE.  I write “Time flies!” consistently on birthday cards because I’m actually in shock that you are one year older, and that I’ve had to buy you another gift already?  I just bought you one.

I’m more than halfway through this fast and there are some interesting developments worth mentioning.

I may be making people feel uncomfortable.  Just yesterday (written on Day 21) my family stopped in at my in-laws for dinner after a full afternoon at the beach.  They enjoyed a lovely breakfast-for-supper meal and although the bacon literally called me by my full name – LORELI MAE COCKRAM nee GALBRAITH – when I passed it along the table, I resisted.  During the meal, I tried to bring up interesting topics for conversation and drank a heckuvalot, taking small sips and often, to make myself look busy while the rest of the family ate.  On the way home I asked how awkward was it for them to be sitting with me at the table .  J-M said, “Not at all,” at the exact same time Mallory said, “Very.”  Even in our little home with just the three of them plus me, Mallory says she feels bad and has difficulty enjoying her meal when I’m not eating.   J-M says, “No guilt here.”

I may accidentally make you feel judged.  My father-in-law asked me why I was fasting (J-M warned him earlier that I wouldn’t be eating) and I said something lame like, “I’m listening to God.”  I don’t think that I insulted him particularly, but I thought, you know, someone could think that I am saying THIS is the way to listen to God and if they’re not fasting, they’re not listening.  It is a way, but not the only way.  This is why I should be putting oil in my hair and washing my face each day, so there is no guilt for those who are not fasting.

It’s inevitable that you will find out I’m fasting even if you don’t read this blog.  It’s just that almost every single function one can do with a friend involves eating of some sort.  Hangouts?  Chips.  Movie? Popcorn.  Summer?  BBQ.  Church?  Potluck.  And because you’re my friend, you will ask me why I keep tidying the place and going to the washroom instead of eating and I will admit that I’m fasting and then I’ll tell you, shhh, I’m listening to God.  And you’ll tell me you thought I’d lost weight.  And I’ll tell you it’s a side effect of fasting.  At which point the conversation may digress to bathing suit season.

I’m not good at explaining the progress of my fast.  That’s because I don’t know. Once friends find out I’m fasting, they ask “How’s it going?” and I’ve been wondering, what’s the best way to respond?  I can easily take 10+ minutes to explain how it’s going, but are they just looking for “1/2 way there!” or “nothing yet!”  Because I’m ashamed to say, I’ve said both those things, more than once, yesterday.

Here’s what I can tell you.  God is speaking to me in powerful ways through my friends. They’re “iron friends” as my iron friend, Diane, calls them.  That’s from Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”  These iron friends keep me accountable by raising an eyebrow when I’m looking for a snack after 2 p.m. or checking in on how I’m doing when I don’t blog for a few days. They also make mention of the wonderful ways God is working in my life, ways I don’t always recognize.  I am really feeling the love of God through them.  Through prayers, phone calls, Facebook messages, tea dates or short notes, I’m hearing from them that I’m on the right track, even when I don’t have an answer.

Day 24 Update – Hosted our Small Group at our home tonight.  It was a BBQ/potluck – double-whammy.  I had every intention not to eat, but it goes against what I believe about being a hostess – enjoying a meal together is one of the best ways to deep fellowship.  So it may just be me and Mallory who feel uncomfortable about the fast…  Needless to say, Friday I’ll go supper-less and play a slightly sluggish game of ball.

Thanks, iron friends, for checking in!

Fasting and praying – Day 16

“After fasting forty days and forty nights, [Jesus] was hungry.” (Matthew 4:2)

You couldn’t accuse the Bible of overstating the facts.

I wonder, when Jesus fasted in the desert (and, like, really fasted – none of this after 2 p.m. stuff), what was Day 16 like?  Was it silent?  Was he doing all the talking?

I’ve heard some new, interesting testimonials of fasts gone wrong – or even fasts started for the wrong reasons.  We do enjoy The Fast in this country.  The kind that “melt away your middle” or “flush your flub.”  We love to hope in the quick fix for our deeply ingrained, long-term problems.  I read Lysa TerKeurst’s Made to Crave last year about “Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food.”  Some powerful stuff in there.  If you have EVER: grabbed a snack because you were disappointed, sad, or mad; said “I’ll start my diet on Monday”; checked the scale two or more days in a row, this book is for you.

Although I’m not doing this for the physical outcome, I was reminded of this book when I started to feel goooood about this weight loss.  There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that, but it started to push its way into my mind as a motivation, instead of my original desire to put God first.

It was good to pull out Made to Crave again and see what TerKeurst had to say.  She refers to Ephesians 1:17-19 as motivation for pursuing healthy lifestyle changes:

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.  I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. (Ephesians 1:17-19 emphasis added)

My take-aways from the emphasis added:

  • I keep asking” This isn’t a one-time genie in the bottle type of prayer, this is asking God daily to be at the centre of this.  I keep asking not because He’s not listening, but because I need the reminder.
  • So that you may know him better”  If there is any other motivation, it will be an empty one.  If not to hear from our glorious Father and be in His will, then why?

Fasting and praying day-by-day

Day 6 – Our women’s ministry team hosted our last event of the ministry year on Saturday night, which included a clothing exchange, a potluck and a time of worship.  The evening was a success, but I am not here to talk about it, other than these two things:

  • I know I’ve told all of you by internet that I am fasting, but it’s quite another thing to tell people to their face.  I’d decided I wouldn’t, that I’d keep myself busy while the potluck was on and people wouldn’t figure it out.  Except they did figure it out because ours is a loving group of women who care that everyone gets fed, plus seconds.  When one woman insisted that I try the potato salad, I had to tell her why I, the carb-lover, wouldn’t.  With great empathy she told me of a time that he had fasted – an inopportune time, between Christmas and New Years – but that God had honoured that sacrifice.  She looked off in the distance that thanked me for reminding her about that very specific answer to prayer she received, which she didn’t feel necessary to disclose.  When people find out that I’m fasting, they often share their fasting stories which involves growing deeper in their walk with God and answers to prayer. I hope that I will remember this fast years from now and the way that God provides.
  • After the event, when our team was cleaning up and ready to leave, the prayer team carried on, interceding for those who would come to them with their problems and worries.  They were doing their own thing and I was happy to let them do it.  But the prayer team leader came outside to grab me before I left.  “We’d like you to come for prayer.  God laid it on my heart to pray for you with the team.”  While I believe entirely in the power of prayer and the prayer team made up of Godly woman, I will tell you that my first reaction was to put my guard up.  Do I need prayer?  I’m tired, it’s the end of a long day, can’t I just go home?  But they sat me down in the hot seat and eight beautiful ladies opened up to pray for me.  With hands laid on me, they asked aloud for my renewal and strength, direction and peace, wisdom and anticipation for the year ahead.  They prayed for me.  I don’t remember all their words, but their love made a huge impact.  I’ve never known this kind of prayer support before, but from now on I will seek it out.

Day 7 – On Sunday, all three pastors spoke on 1 Corinthians 4:20, a short little verse that packs a punch,  “For the kingdom of God is not in word but in power.”  I’ve been mulling over it after the pastors explained, respectively, the kingdom of God can only be entered through the cross, faith in Jesus Christ; it is an eternal kingdom that starts in now; the power is what happens when we put that faith into action.  I considered how when you dwell in this kingdom, when you claim full citizenship status, the cares of this world, while they still exist, also disappear.

Day 8 – On a mini road trip, I absent-mindedly asked one friend for a couple of the delicious grapes she had brought from home.   It was after 2 p.m.  Things got awkward for a moment when she reluctantly asked if I should.  When I got home, I made sure she was on my Close Friends list on Facebook.

Also, I received this brilliant word, by two-part Twitter feed no less:

Your prayer for your job is not merely that it be stable and prosperous, but that it truly serves the needs of society and that in all your labor and all your relationships your joy in Christ and your love for people would make a name for Jesus. (John Piper)

Fasting – Day Four

Something interesting has happened on Day Four of my fast.  There’s a serenity in my spirit that this was the right thing to do.

Sometimes you can feel like a spiritual flake when you come up with a course of action that involves self-imposed deprivation.  Deprivation usually only happens in crisis.  I’m volunteering myself into crisis.  But there is an urgency to this prayer and I know I’m being heard.  I have no answers, but I have The Calm.  The Calm is as good as any answer will be.

Know what else has happened on Day Four?  Prayer has become a first reaction.  Kids fighting?  Pray.  Grumpy today? Pray.  Love the sunshine?  Pray.  Someone irritating you?  Pray.  Watering the plants? Pray.  Stressed out? Pray. Driving to the corner store? Pray.  Going to a rock concert?  Pray.  Posting on Facebook?  Pray.  I find myself naturally moving into prayer with the Father about absolutely everything.  Be warned: if you call me up right now, I will pray with you.

And then there’s the flip side, the other stuff the enemy tries to sneak in on Day Four.  There are the “rules” of the fast and how I might manipulate them to my advantage.  You see, Satan targets the rules instead of the spirit of the rules.  He loves legalism because he knows it will either make us judgmental toward others who are not doing it our way… or he’ll get to call us a failure when we break them.

First of all, I felt like it might have been a mistake to tell the world about my fast on my blog.  And by “the world,” I mean the five faithful readers, including Mom and Dad… and I’ll find out after this post if they’re faithful.  But I have made this public and have this tension about it, that this should have been a secret between me and God.  That’s because of this verse:

But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. (Matt. 6:17-18)

If you read the verse in context, it reveals the sinful spirit of wanting recognition from other people, not God.  Please know that I am not doing this to receive either sympathy nor to be placed on a spiritual pedestal.  My search may help your search and vice versa.  I’ve already received some encouraging comments from friends and strangers who feel like this lines up with where they’re at.  If we can have some transparency about why and how we fall on our knees before our Father and take our fears and doubts to him, that is a good thing.

I also fall prey to this game of justifying my way through the parameters I’ve set up for myself, which is completely ridiculous. In this case, it’s not enough to say no eating after 2 p.m.  What about my conduct the whole day before 2 p.m. and what about in the evening after supper’s been served?  I’ve found ways to bend the rules I set for myself which – I KNOW! – makes no sense.

For example, I eat more than I normally would before 2 p.m.  Breakfast and lunch have second servings and snacks in between.  This feasting and depriving each day becomes a roller-coaster ride.   Snack therapy never will be effective and the cost of it must be comparable to a real counsellor (and it’s a good thing J-M said no to the book expense at this point).  Plus, I have no scientific evidence to back this up, but I believe it makes me hungrier at night.  Expand and contract, expand, contract.  It’s the best work out I’ve had in a while, with little results.

Also, last night, when J-M made a yummy dinner, I ask him to save me some for lunch for the today, of which I had two helpings.  I’m not kidding.

There’s this other thing.  When I’m too hungry, I want to make it go away by going to bed early.  This becomes the grey area of the fast.  These hunger pangs, are they not to trigger me to prayer?  This rumbling stomach, does it not to reveal my great need for God?  Is 6 p.m. not a reasonable time to hit the hay?

I believe much of this minutiae gets sorted out simply by keeping on.  There’s something about getting in the groove of it, which will, of its own accord, figure out what is working (or not) and maintain the goal of walking closely with God.

In the meantime, I embrace The Calm.

Thoughts on fasting for the second whole day in a row

Because I’m underemployed, my husband has me on a strict budget.  No extras. No incidentals. No spending without express permission from him, and only under certain categories.  Other certain categories have been removed from the budget altogether, like magazines and clothing accessories.  How horrible is that?  I thought SURELY, because I’m fasting remember, the decrease in actual spending in the grocery category alone would allow me to purchase this very inspiring book, which would go far in helping me on my journey to find gainful employment and/or fruitful ministry.

You see the progression of my logic, right?

Well, he doesn’t.

Good thing RSS Feeds are FREE!  Check out the blog of Mary Jo Sharp at Confident Christianity, a Christian Apologetics ministry that addresses the hard questions of Christianity through research, writing, training, and debate. (I do find some irony in the fact that I can’t convince my husband to buy me a book that will teach me how to debate.)  I’m inspired by this woman who is using her brain in powerful ways.